The Return of the Klutz
by BaronCat40
Summary: A parody of the Return of the King. Based on the book.


**Note: This parody is on the book, not the movie. It starts were the book starts. Don't be confused by that. Chapter names are from the book, I do not own Lord of the Rings.**

Chapter 1: Minas Tirith

Pippen looked from the shoulder of Gandalf's cloak. He- Ah, forget it. He looked around and asked Gandlaf where they were, to summarize a page.

"Where are we?"

"In the realm of Gondor"

"Oh. I knew that. You're taking me to Mordor, right?'

"Fool of a took!"

"Look Gandalf! There's red fire!"

"The beacon's of Gondor are lit! (1) Come. Shadowfax, we must ride with hast!"

Shadowfax made a cool horse effect thingy and ran really, really fast!

When they got to the city, Gandalf tried to get the gourds outside the city to let them in.

"Yes you can come in, cool shiny white cloaked guy holding a dangerous looking staff in a hand and point a sharp sword thing at me, you know that passwords. But that… that… "

"Man"

"Man? Whatever he is, he cannot pass. We don't want any strangers unless they are might warriors who we think will help us but might kill us!"

"I am indeed not a man! Do not let that shiny guy in a white cloak etc, etc, deceive you! I am a hobbit!"

"And what the hell is a hobbit?"

"A Halfling!"

"Hey!"

"oh"

"Anyway, we came to help you, you dimwitted fool of a took!"

"Hey!"

"I am not a took! I am a 'Bagoooons!'. Wait, I'm not that either. I am a… A…. a…"

He turned to the guard next to him.

"What the hell am I?"

"You're a… a… a…"

It went on like this for quite a while. Finally, the guards let Gandalf in, as they forgot what they were arguing about in the first place anyway.

Gandalf and Denathiar chatted a while, then Denethor showed Gandalf a cool horn cut in half. He got depressed.

"I heard this thing blowing 13 days ago. How the hell did I hear it blowing several hundered miles away? I don't know."

'I offer you my service, Lord, In payment of my debt"

"What debt?"

"Boromeir is dead'

"Oh, yeah. I knew that"

Pippen lay his sword at Denathor's feet.

"Oooh! Shiny! Give me the shiny!"

Pippen gave Denathor his sword.

Pippen swore his service to Denathor, and took back his sword, sheathing it. Denathor looked disappointed at the loss of the shiny, but soon perked once he figured out Pippen had just given him his service. Boromeir was forgotten.

Gandalf sent Pippen to check on Shadowfax, and Pippen chatted with random soldiers on the way. Many did not know what a hobbit was, and Pippen spend quite a while shouting at them. It was probably heard in Mordor.

In Mordor:

"I AM A HOBBIT, YOU [CENOSRED]! A HOBBIT IS ME! A HOBBIT HAS FURRY FEET, NEVER WEARS SHOES, AND SELDOM REACHES A HIGHT GREATER THAN 4 FEET! AND IF YOU WANT A BETTER DESCRIPTION, READ _THE HOBBIT_ AKA _THERE AND BACK AGAIN: A HOBBIT'S TALE BY BILBO BAGGINS_!"

"FOOL OF A TOOK! THEY CAN PROBABLY HEAR YOU IN MORDOR!"

"What the hell is that?" asked Sauron

"I don't know, and honestly, who gives a damn?" said the Witch King.

Hiking through morder after escaping the tower, to fast forward a bit:

"Yup, that'll be Pippen and Gandalf, going at it again," said Sam.

"Who knew they could yell so loud"

"Sounded like you when them orces was whippen' ya"

"How do you know what I sounded like?"

"Gollum told me. We got classes for sibling rivalry. You see, we both wanted the shiny around your neck, but Gollum wanted it more than I did. But, since Gollum got the shiny, I get to marry you, since I wanted that more! So, will you marry me?"

He pulled out the Ring of Power

"Yes! Now, give me the ring!"

Sam handed it over.

"I divorce you! We must destroy this thing!"

"Come to think of it, how do either of us know Gandalf is alive? We left before he came back. To us, he's dead until the end of the book!"

"Because the author said so, Sam. Stop fathoming the depths of his memory. You'll probably get lost in it."

In some random desolate area:

"It's lost! The precious is lost again! Fat hobbit took it! He must have!"

(2)

Meanwhile, Pippen was talking with Beregond, a guard. They had almost the same conversation as Pippen does with Gandalf in the movie on the balcony, just the writer/director made Gandlaf have the part of Beregond.

"Why are you so close to Morder?"

"Yes, yes, we are close to Morder. The Fell Riders won back the crossing a year ago. War is brewing."

"I saw the beacons and errand-riders."

"Yes, though it is a bit late to send for aid when one is already besieged. I do not know what council passed with Denathor, but I can tell you that he is an idiot."

'Agreed, I mean, YOU'RE WRONG!"

This shout was not quite so loud, and his change in opiniiion was caused by two guards who burst though the door and killed Beregond for traitorism right then and there, so Gandalf had to take his place in the movie.

The Gate of Minas Tirith closed.

**Before you try to murder me, in the book, THE BEACONS WERE LIT WHEN GANDALF WENT INTO GONDER, IDIOT WRITER/DIRECTOR! PIPPEN DID NOT LIGHT THEM!**

**That was just for kicks, I haven't gotten the second half of the book yet.**

**I am planning to do the whole book, with the events in order. Just so you know, this chapter covered 50 pages of the book which is just over 350 pages of story, and another 200 pages of annotations. I will do each chapter here on one chapter of the book, and the chapter names will be the same. Also note, the book covers the fellowship members first, then Frodo and Sam. **

**Can anyone guess my favorite Lord of the Rings character? And my favorite character(s) to write about? Hint for the write about ones: Read the Lord of the Rings Christmas carols by me. For the favorite charecter hint: "White shores, gray haven". Eagles. For those who are really think headed, another hint on that next chapter.  
**


End file.
